patience

my head is going to explode. i can't stop thinking. i literally have a throbbing headache. i have gone in so many circles and back again, i don't know which way is up.  how is it that one decision can be so earthshaking...mind blowing...time consuming...utterly exhausting.  Family of 4?5?more?less?  heaven please help me because i am going crazy.  will the desire for another baby ever go away? will i have this same feeling IF i have another one? will there always be a maternal need to say what if? just one more? i've totally overwhelmed myself with the pros and cons lists.  i can convince myself either way one minute and change my mind the very next.  the decision to expand our family is very complex. ttc vs. adopt. if we ttc, can we expect God to bless us with another miracle? do i take my 2 miracles and just be grateful. do i swallow the lump in my throat and the knot in my stomach and say yes to adopt like my husband wants and just hope that i will "feel" it as the process progresses?  i have prayed for countless hours for God to reveal himself.  in the quiet, i hear nothing. in the stillness, i feel alone. in my patience there is a longing that grows ever deeper. as i search for resolution, i struggle to figure out what God needs me to know, to hear. my soul searching has left me with no anwers yet, but i am hopeful. now if i could just turn off my heart, my mind, and rest........