Monday, December 1, 2008

Like it was yesterday...

I remeber it like it was yesterday. The day I spoke with my OB-GYN on the phone and he said, "start saving your pennies for in-vitro, you aren't having any babies the old fashioned way!" Actually, it wasn't day, it was 2am. I was more than half way through a shift as a night labor and delivery nurse at the hospital I worked at in Kansas City. I had to call the doctor about a patient and it happened to also be MY doctor on call. He hadn't had time to go over test results with me during office hours and I guess he thought he was doing me a favor by filling me in on the phone while he was thinking of it. My whole world blurred around me. I couldn't think. I almost felt like I couldn't breath. Although 2 years into trying to concieve, we weren't in a huge hurry because I was working my husband through graduate school and we knew a baby would be hard. But all of a sudden, my hopes, my dreams for a family seemed to be shattered. In one sentence my whole future had become question marks. Will we be able to afford infertility treatments? Will they work? But I have always just wanted to be a mom! How can God do this to me? As I drove home from that shift, I didn't know what I was going to say to John, my husband. I thought my medical issues were to blame, but apparently we were both at the receiving end of news about why conceiving on our own would be close to impossible. I remember feeling cold, empty, nauseous. I was too stunned to cry until I crawled into bed. When the floodgates opened, I couldn't stop. I cried until the heaving and sobbing ended in exhaustion and was even too angry and confused to pray. When I told john, he too felt the loss in his heart. We held each other. We cried together. We hoped that the doctors were wrong and wondered where we would find strength to carry us through our disappointment and grief.

As mom's always do, my mom gave me the encouragement and advice that helped me through the next weeks and months. She reminded me that God is big enough and could give me the desire of my heart. Through doctors appointments listening about our options and trying to get john through school, I started laying my requests at the Heavenly Father's feet. (as did so many other wonderful friends and family) I held on to my favorite bible verse; "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths" Proverbs 3:5-6 gave me peace and a promise that I clung to.

I don't remember the date right now but will have to go back and look on my calendar that I saved from 2003. I do however remember the walk to the mailbox the day I got my paper work in the mail for our in-vitro payment options. To make a long and emotional story a bit shorter I will summarize: I opened the letter from the doctors office, cried all the way to the trash can, and threw it away because that had been the very same day I had a positive pregnancy test with our first miracle!!

1 comment: said...

yes. they are miracles. the emotions came back to me when reading this. you are a great writer, as well as a wonderful mother and wife. how many times do you think "miracle #1" is going to get up tonight?

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